Absolutely ALEXANDRA

The biggest misconceptions about intercultural relationships

2012-02-09T14:03:00.001-08:00

It was just after New Years and myself, my Indian husband, and Indian in-laws were headed to one of our favorite dinner spots for dosas. There was a family sitting next to us - wife, husband, and their 5 year old daughter. Towards the end of our meal, I overheard they were talking about us in Tamil. They probably thought, "what firangi can understand Tamil? "

Answer: one that is married to a Tamilian! I can't speak it back, but 6 years with a Tamilian has taught me to follow and understand a conversation.

They proceeded to talk about our relationship negatively in front of their young daughter. The wife said, "I don't know how they can function with all these cultural differences!". (She obviously didn't look close enough to see my mangalsutram around my neck!) Normally, I would have said something back, but since their daughter was present, I did not, if only for the sake of her.

I have heard "she's trying to hard to be one of us"; and the worst - said to me by the former Indian consular general of Vancouver, Mr. Sharma - "You're just a white whore and he'll never marry you".

Every time it happens it is still shocking, especially since I've never experienced anything but love and acceptance from my husband's family - from day one. Interestingly enough, although I have been to India 3 times, the only times where I have heard negative conversations about us is in Vancouver itself. It doesn't happen too often - maybe once or twice a year. It is mostly remarks from random ignorant people that remind me, "Oh, yes, I guess I am in an intercultural relationship!" I think of my husband as Maddy, the boy I met in college and fell in love with. The father of my child. My best friend....and at the end of that long list of qualities, he just so happens to be an Indian.

This got me thinking about the biggest misconceptions others have about intercultural relationships.

1. "There are too many cultural differences"

Really? I didn't notice. Maybe that's because both of us are so open and flexible to each others cultures. We live in a typical Canadian house but have Hindu idols everywhere. Both of us know how to cook Indian & non- Indian food. My husband is a pure vegetarian (no egg) and I am not, but I don't cook any meat in the house out of respect for him. I was raised by a Tibetan nanny who always smelled of incense and cooked with lots of turmeric, so the spices were familiar to me from my childhood. In the beginning, although I loved Indian food, I couldn't eat it 3x a day. Now I can eat it as many times a day, but I still like to have a Canadian breakfast. And similarly with him, he used to hate pasta....until I introduced him to pasta arrabiata! The key for this is to have both partners be flexible, open, and understanding. Not only that, but the willingness to teach your customs to your partner.

2. "They are just dissatisfied with their own race"

I really believe in soul mates, and if my husband happened to be a white Canadian, I would have loved him just the same. My love for him is based on the person he is - kind, funny, intelligent, caring, respectful to elders, affectionate, etc. Besides, I think of all the cultural stuff as fun things I get to learn about. We both grew up in families that encouraged our individuality. That way, when we have a difference, we look at it as a cool, interesting thing, and not a headache.

3. "They'll never get married - it's just a short-term fling"

I think I've proved this one wrong, after 6 years! But I'm sure a lot of our haters think that we are just dating, or in a short-term relationship, just to "experiment, or make our parents mad". This is so silly. Why would our parents be mad? What is there to experiment with? He is a man, like any other man. Commitment is commitment, no matter what skin color. This relates to the misconception that "there are too many cultural differences, how can they stay together?". Also in my situation, being a white Canadian, I find that many times I notice that my race is considered to be stereotyped as "loose and provocative" by the Indian media, or "a culture of divorced people". In fact, I find many Bollywood music videos to be extremely provocative. Regarding the issue of divorce, I don't believe in it, and none of my family members are divorced.

4. "She/He is trying to be something they're not" or "trying so hard to be one of us"

As if I am less of a white Canadian, or he is less of an Indian. Yes, I have an Indian husband, and I honor and respect his cultural customs, because I honor and value him. But that does not mean I am any less Canadian, just because I am mindful and educated about his culture, and vice versa. I am very comfortable with my culture, and just as open to living in a half-Indian household. Coming from a multicultural family, and entering into a serious marriage-bound relationship - I made it my responsibility to learn about Indian culture, for the sake of my future children. It was more likely that we were going to settle in Canada and raise our family here, so I wanted to educate myself about all the customs so that I in turn could explain it properly to our children. I didn't want my children to be blind to one side of their heritage.

5. "They'll have to sacrifice all of their customs/beliefs just to make it work"

Sacrifice is a natural part of a marriage, but I feel like our cultural differences make our household more rich and beautiful. It adds to our relationship, not subtracts. For example, we get to celebrate Diwali and Halloween in the same month! In no way, shape or form, does being in an intercultural relationship jeopardize my own beliefs or customs. In fact, it makes my life fuller with celebrations! Our diversity enriches our lives, the same way it will enrich our children's lives.

6. "But what do you guys talk about?"

Some people automatically assume that just because we are from different cultures, we have nothing in common. In fact, we have more to talk about! I love hearing from my husband about his childhood, and how all his cousins used to spend the summers together and sleep on the rooftop of their grandfathers house. I think, "Wow, that's so awesome!" On a daily basis, we have a lot in common. We are both artists. We love to cook. We love to see movies. We love to try new restaurants. We love to take our dog out to the dog park to play with other dogs. We love to travel. We are both very close to our parents and in-laws. And of course, just like any other couple... "I love you", "No, I love you", "I love you more", "Come home soon, I miss you!", "You're so cute".....hahaha!

I do feel that attitudes are changing, but it starts by how you raise your kids and what you say in front of your kids - like the first instance of the family beside us at the restaurant, talking in front of their 5 year old. There is nothing wrong or taboo about interracial love. Most children won't notice it until an adult gives them the example that it is not right or shameful. My husband's parents are both Indian, but they were both ostracized because they fell in love with each other and they were from different cultures within South India - his mother is Telugu, and his father is Tamil. I owe a lot of thanks to them, because if they didn't fall in love and get married 32 years ago, then I probably wouldn't have been accepted so easily into his family. They broke that barrier for me gradually, over 32 years. They raised their son in such an open way that he allowed himself to find his soul mate by himself, for himself, in a different country. All the elders and great-grandparents celebrated our union with us, and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of our child.

There are many interracial mixes that are common nowadays - Black/White; Asian/White - but unfortunately Indian/White is still a pretty rare mix. From the outside looking in, it might look like we have a lot of differences - he is brown, and I am white. But from the inside, we don't. We come from very different cultures, but we have very similar attitudes towards love, commitment, family, and our priorities are very much in sync. So that's why I say I never really notice that I'm in an intercultural relationship until someone else points it out to me.

I'm a big believer in fate and destiny. A good match is a good match, no matter what kind of cultural background you are. What matters is compatibility, chemistry, true unconditional love, and personal/family values. It really is not as complicated as it looks from the outside!

Words to live by

2012-02-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

Stairway

2012-02-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

Funny stuff

2012-02-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

Living Room.

2012-02-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

Words to live by

2012-02-05T14:31:00.000-08:00

Victorian House.

2012-02-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

Funny stuff

2012-02-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

Porch.

2012-02-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

The Look

2012-02-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

Words to live by

2012-02-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

Guest Bedroom

2012-02-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

Pic of the Day

2012-02-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

The Look

2012-02-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

The wonder of Photoshop, makeup & studio lighting!

2012-02-02T15:39:00.001-08:00

Real girls in real life do not look like print ads!

It's all about the makeup, the best angled pose, studio lighting, and photoshop...

Most of these are beauty & skincare ads - kind of misleading, isn't it?

Rachel Weisz - this one is very heavy on the Photoshop - too overboard!

Christy Turlington - she still looks good in reality.

Julia Roberts - where did that forehead vein go?

SJP - this ad is sooooo different than reality. They took her under-eye socket completely out!

Cate Blanchett - looks very well rested!!!

Drew Barrymore - not that much of a difference.

(images via)

Funny stuff

2012-02-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

Reading Corner.

2012-02-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

Pic of the Day

2012-02-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

The Look

2012-02-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

Wedding Tips - where to save/where to spend

2012-02-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

Weddings can get out of control...just look at any of the bridal shows on TV! Everything does not have to be expensive. If you are planning your wedding yourself, you can easily manage to do most things with your partner on the weekends. Trust me, being a bridezilla is not attractive!
You have to do what is right for you - prioritize what you are willing to save & spend on. For me, the food was most important, and the favors were least important.

Where to save:

Party Favors

Seriously, who cares? Your guests are attending your event and getting free food and a free party. Just pick something small and cheap that looks expensive. Make the favors something that they can use outside of the wedding - something cute and practical.

How we did it: Since we got married in the summer, we picked out colorful Sandalwood fans and put them on the guests' seats. People loved them - there was not even 1 left-over afterwards!

Invitations

You can get some beautiful invitations from specialty paper stores and print the invitations out yourself at home. All you need is a heavier paper, like card-stock, and it will look gorgeous.

How we did it: Designed the invitation ourselves and used stationary from the Paper Source. Same for the Thank you cards.

Photographers

You can only truly save if you're having an outdoor day wedding, because the light will be perfect - no need for studio lighting. If you have any professional photographer friends - or even friends who know how to work a camera - ask them to take pictures. As a photographer, I know people in the industry who ridiculously overcharge. You can make the photo albums yourself, either by taking it to the store and printing it out, or using an online photo-book software. Be your own editor!

How we did it: My father and my cousin took pictures. We gave them 2 of our best cameras and the pictures turned out lovely. I made scrapbooks and photo books after, by just taking the pictures to the store and printing them out. For our parents, I made a photo book which I designed online.

The Dress

Yes, I know you want to look perfect. But you're only going to wear it once! Check sales, shop abroad, and go for something unique.

How we did it: We got matching outfits from a wedding mall in India, and it didn't cost more than $1100 for both our outfits.

Music

Don't spend more than $500 on this. Half of our guests left after dinner, so it ended up being a small, intimate dance party. It was nice having a DJ because we could request songs. Since we live in a residential neighborhood, we couldn't play music after 12am. Take the location into account before you spend the money!

How we did it: Honestly, I was just going to make a playlist on my iPod and hook it up with some speakers. But one of my cousin's friends is a professional DJ and he did it for us for a reasonable price.

Venue

Paying $1000+ is crazy for a place you will be in for less than 6 hours. Try to have it at someone's house. Either your parents' house or if any of their friends have nice houses. It's actually less-stressful since you have no time limit on setting up & taking down. If you cut the costs on the venue, you can get a better caterer.

How we did it: We had it at my parents' house. We spent the whole week setting up - it was so flexible. People loved coming to the house and being in an intimate setting. And guess what, it costed $0!

The Cake

Simpler is better. Realistically, people will only be having 1-2 slices, and you'll only need a few slices for your own leftovers.

How we did it: My friend who has her own bakery business did our cake. It was simple & beautiful!

Where to spend:

Flowers

Make one area a focal point for the flowers, and put accents of flowers throughout. Find a happy medium - don't splurge too much. Flowers only last for a few days. Try to get flowers that have a beautiful scent - your guests will remember them. Don't forget to take flower souvenirs and press them for your wedding photo albums!

How we did it: We ordered in garlands from India and draped the altar ourselves. We got a florist to come in and add the finishing accents. 6+ months later, my mother still has the flowers in bowls around the house as potpurri!

Food

Everyone attending is going to be eating the food, and it's wise to keep the guests well-fed and happy. Don't just stick with one theme - have a bunch of different cuisines so that they can pick what they like. Some people will go back for 2-3 helpings. Trust me, there will be no leftovers!

How we did it: We had a fabulous caterer who made a custom menu - everything from Pad Thai, Sable fish & mashed potatoes, salads, Indian food - both vegetarian and non-vegetarian options. Everyone raved about the food, for both the taste and the diversity.

The Wedding Officiant

This was our most expensive cost and worth every penny. Having a good officiant can either make or break the ceremony. Get someone who is good, professional, and someone who is personal.

How we did it: We hired a well-known wedding officiant to do our ceremony and she did a custom speech that I'll treasure forever. Everyone loved hearing our love story.

Honeymoon

Originally, we weren't going to do a honeymoon, but I'm so glad we did! Pick one destination country and travel around within it. It is so romantic just to have that special time alone together while you're abroad on an adventure. It was one of our most unforgettable trips!

How we did it: We picked India, and went to New Delhi, Agra, and Aurangabad to see the Ajanta/Ellora caves. Then we came back to Hyderabad where we had our Indian wedding reception. Obviously the trip was so romantic, that I became pregnant soon after!

Words to live by

2012-02-01T14:30:00.001-08:00

Sitting Room.

2012-02-01T14:24:00.002-08:00

Pic of the Day

2012-02-01T14:22:00.000-08:00

The Look

2012-02-01T14:17:00.001-08:00

KKTNY finale - my thoughts

2012-01-30T16:16:00.000-08:00

(img via)

Sooooo as any girl my age was doing last night, I watched the very anticipated Kourtney & Kim Take New York Season 2 finale - you know, the one where Kim's marriage falls apart!

Some relationship lessons that were addressed in the finale:

1) Just because he looks good on paper doesn't mean you're soul-mates, or have chemistry.

2) It is SO SO important to live with someone before you marry them. You have to be able to stand them 24/7 if you're going to be married!

3) When you're living with someone, you need to give them space for their personal things. That's the point of living together. Their stuff is going to be there!!!

4) There are going to be issues that come up. It's how you deal with them that matters. Once you're married, your commitment to your partner comes before anything else. Sometimes you can't always be right, and you have to pick your battles.

And most importantly....

5) Don't be so busy planning your dream wedding that you forget who you're marrying. Concentrate on the marriage, not the wedding.

I do feel bad for Kim, but she really should have given it at least a year before she called it quits. If you can't stay married for more than 72 days, they shouldn't have gotten married!

My top picks: Filmfare awards

2012-01-30T16:05:00.001-08:00

Great color - Vidya always looks good.

Heavenly.

Beautiful, except the sour look on their faces!

Unusual.

Classic red.

(images via)

My top picks: SAG Awards

2012-01-30T15:56:00.002-08:00

Oh, how I love Awards show season...only for the best dressed, not the actual long awards ceremonies!

Michelle Williams - red is her color.

Viola Davis - very elegant.

Zoe Saldana - not your average ball gown.

Amber Heard - kind of catwoman-y, but it works!

Natalie Portman - great color.

Octavia Spencer - my favorite.

Emily Blunt - lovely color.

Sofia Vergara - she knows what works on her.

Back in the blog-o-sphere + a big announcement!

2012-01-30T15:45:00.000-08:00

(pic of me going to an event at the end of September - I was preggo here but didn't know it yet!!)

By now many of you have noticed by absence of blogs...and am proud to announce I've past the halfway point in my pregnancy!

I found out I was expecting with my husband shortly after Canadian Thanksgiving and had a terrible bout of morning sickness that lasted up until New Years. Now I'm 5.5 months along, feeling great, and have an insatiable appetite!

Expect lots of new posts about pregnancy, babies, parenting, mums....added to my eclectic mix!!!

Words to live by

2011-10-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-10-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

The Look

2011-10-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

Simple wall art

2011-10-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-10-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

The Look

2011-10-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

Domestic Violence against South Asian women in Vancouver: an epidemic

2011-10-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Many of you may have heard of the terrible news about the young SFU student & aspiring doctor, Maple Batalia, was murdered last week. She was gunned down in the parking lot of her University after a study session. She died in the hospital.

Maple was only 19 and had her whole life ahead of her. It is very tragic that someone felt the need to end her life out of extreme obsession/hatred/jealousy. She was obviously headed towards bigger and better things.

Now her ex-boyfriend is being investigated because he (allegedly) assaulted her 4 days prior to the shooting, and her father implied that "she broke it off with him when she found out about his association with bad things". Whether or not he did it, someone was obsessed with this poor girl and wanted to end her very bright and promising future.

Another example of domestic violence against South Asian women. This comes not even 6 months after the terrible news that UBC Grad student Rumana Mazur was permanently blinded by her husband in Bangladesh, because he accused her of cheating.

The disturbing fact as that domestic violence is common against South Asian women. A third of Indian women have experienced physical & sexual violence against them. Back in India, TWO thirds of Indian women in New Delhi, India's capitol, have reported being harassed more than twice in the past year.
Our own former B.C. Attorney General has called domestic violence a "cancer" in Indo-Canadian culture. He says it is common knowledge in their culture that young girls are considered value-less in their male-dominated community.
And why don't they report it? "Saving face is too important in our community to admit there's a problem".
Domestic violence can be emotional, physical, sexual, etc. If you or a friend has experienced it - please report it! I have already known of two close friends who have gone through it - and there are probably many more that I know who did not have the courage to tell me. This is a serious issue that should never be minimized. The most common signs of Domestic abuse are fear of your partner & a partner rigidly controlling you to assert their dominance.
Remember, this can happen even if you're not married, or not even boyfriend/girlfriend! Please get help.

Advice: How to get along with your Mother-in-Law

2011-10-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Everyone who knows me, knows that I have a great relationship with my Mother in Law (the fact that we are both Libra's probably have a lot to do with it!) No really... I'm constantly getting asked advice on how to get along with "the boss" - as I affectionately call her.

Here are my tips:

Be respectful

If you start a conversation being rude, automatically the other person is going to get defensive and not listen to what you're going to say. Be respectful - not only because everyone deserves respect - but because your elders deserve it. As you get older, you'll notice the more you sacrifice for your family. Now times that by 1000! Treat her the way you would want to be treated.

Find common ground

Even the smallest things can form a bond - liking a certain food, a TV show, or walking in nature. The little things will help start a conversation. Conversation means communication. Communication is a bonding experience. If you don't have much in common - guess what - you do!!! You love her son and that it the most important thing! If all else fails, talk about him - he'll love the attention ;)

Don't demand too much or impose your beliefs

Elder people are set in their ways and they think they know best - and sometimes they probably do know best (but not always!). Take in what they say and don't dismiss it. Think about their life experiences and where they're coming from. Besides, she knows her son - she can help you with him! She can show you his favorite meals and give you advice on him. Look at her as a knowledgeable bank of experience and not an intruder.

Think about the bigger picture

If your husband is close with his mother, then the fact that you don't get along is going to deeply hurt him. Not to mention, the rest of the family. Merging families is not easy, especially if you all live together. Try, try, try - and don't stop trying. Neither of you are going anywhere!!! Pick your battles. Is it really worth it? Say you are looking back at yourself, 5 years from now. What would your future self say about a situation? Probably, "Let it go!"

Communication is key

Listen & talk. Rinse & repeat! If you don't agree on an issue, then you know each other's boundaries. If you do agree on something, then you have common ground. Just keep talking to each other. If you don't communicate, then you assume. Talk out an issue and move on.

Cross-cultural accommodation

If she is moving into your household, it's going to a transition for her too. Make her feel as welcome as possible. Be as accommodating as possible. Cook some of her favorite meals, put her favorite pictures in her room, listen to her local music. Ask her to teach you some words in her dialect. Include her!!! This has a lot to do with compromising. Do you compromise in your marriage? Compromise with your MIL too. It WILL pay off.

Take a break

If you think you're about to snap, take a walk. Go to a friend/family member's house for an afternoon. Once you say hurtful words, you can never take them back. Just get out of there and get a fresh breath of air. As a woman, you probably need some alone time.

Remember, if I can do it - anyone can! I'm not even an Indian girl and I have successfully infiltrated ;) a notoriously non-mixing culture. Indian MIL's are infamously hard-headed. Just turn on the TV to an Indian channel and you'll find Sasural Genda Phool or Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. Just get to know them as a person. Go in with zero expectations. It's not going to be the same relationship you have with your mother, but it can be just as good - trust me.

शुभ कामनाएँ!!!

Just for laughs

2011-10-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-10-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

The Look

2011-10-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

Words to live by

2011-10-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-10-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

The Look

2011-10-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

26th

2011-10-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

M&me on my 25th.

Wow wow wow. What an incredible year.

We moved into a house.

I learned how to garden.

We got the 2nd* love of my life - Ziggy!

I became an auntie for the 3rd & 4th time (Aditya & Olivia)

We got married - 3 TIMES!!!

We went to India - again...duh...where else?

I started back at school, after 4 years since my last degree. FYI going to school at this age is much more meaningful than when I was 17 (doing my BFA). The words really sink in. Because I have more life experience now, it means more.

I FINALLY learned how to cook Dals.

What will next year bring? My 25th takes the cake so far :)

Colorful dining room

2011-10-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-10-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

"It's my birffffday!" :)

The Look

2011-10-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

Currently obsessed with...

2011-09-30T14:54:00.001-07:00

Bio Oil

This is my bet discovery ever!!! My MIL was using it all Summer and she was addicted. When she left she forgot it in her bathroom, so I decided to try it. I'm hooked! I love the delicate smell. I put it on every night before I go to bed and my skin tone has drastically improved - more even, radiance, moisturized. The best part is that it's available in any drugstore and it has multiple uses - body, face, dry spots, nails - you name it!

L'Oreal Go360 Clean in Deep Exfoliating Scrub

Another drugstore gem! I use the orange one. First let me say what a clever design. The scrubber pops in to the bottle so you don't have to lay it down on any surfaces (it could pick up bacteria). The scrubber is the perfect combination of rough without damaging. You can really feel it clean up your pores. I've been using morning and night and I'm crazy about it. A fantastic deep clean.

Shellac by CND

A 14 day nail polish in a variety of shades? Ever since they introduced this line, I have ONLY been getting it done. It makes my nails feel so much stronger. Really, who can afford to get a mani if it just chips after 5 days?? My favorite color is the Strawberry Smoothie because it's so effortlessly polished. Plus, a with the UV machine, the nail color sets in so much faster. You can literally grab your keys after.

Wash bags by Real Simple

Why didn't I get these earlier? Perfect for washing intimates, delicates, and especially pieces with embellishments. The good thing? The bags are very sturdy. They have lasted such a long time.

Santa Maria Novella cologne in Rose

Perfect for every season. Ever since I got it from my aunt last year (it's her signature fragrance) it has transitioned from season to season so nicely. It's a classic, and it lasts a long time after you spray it.

Canon Rebel t2i

Perfect for the photographer on the go. Lightweight, easy to use, not fussy. Whether you're a professional or a first-time upgrader - this is the best!!! 18 megapixels, and it has video!!! Not to mention for a camera - it's NOT expensive!

Just for laughs

2011-09-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

Ain't that the truth!

Pic of the Day

2011-09-30T14:12:00.003-07:00

The Look

2011-09-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

3 tricks for a happier marriage

2011-09-23T17:26:00.006-07:00

Celebrate the good times. How couples cope with good news is just as important as how they cope with hard times, conflict, and unhappiness, research indicates. How do you react to the achievements of the person you love? Do you simply offer a smile of support? Or do you pop the Champagne cork, order takeout, and give a high five?

Get in tune about sex. In one study from the University of Hawaii, researchers asked participants how they wanted their partners to behave in the bedroom. Both men and women wanted their partners to be more direct—but they also admitted that they were too self-conscious to describe their own needs and desires. The solution: Write down five things you'd like your spouse to say or do during sex. Try not to focus on specific acts or positions—the goal is to determine general changes that would give you more pleasure. Then compare your answers with those of your spouse.

Turn criticisms into complaints. Marriage studies show that one of the main differences between a good fight and a bad fight is whether it begins with a complaint or a criticism. For example, "I wish we had sex more often" (complaint) versus "You never want to have sex. What's happened to you?" (criticism). The difference between a complaint and a criticism can be subtle, but the key is to focus on the effect of the upsetting behavior rather than launch into an attack on the person.

(via)

Pic of the Day

2011-09-23T15:19:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-23T14:56:00.001-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-22T15:19:00.001-07:00

Just for laughs

2011-09-22T15:00:00.001-07:00

Words to live by

2011-09-22T14:58:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-22T14:55:00.001-07:00

My picks - best dressed at the Emmy's!

2011-09-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

My favorites:

Classic & beautiful.

Simple & bold color

Fabulously form-fitting & a modern color

Simple, 50's inspired - cute!

Love this look on her - so elegant & womanly.

Honorable Mentions:

Mysterious in black - what a lovely pattern. Would have loved to see it in a dark purple or something unexpected.

Playing it safe, but she still looks great. The hair makes this outfit.

Great for a black dress.

Hey, it's not Halloween yet, Jessica Rabbit!

So pretty and age appropriate.

Love this dress except for that harsh line that cuts across the collarbone.

LOVE the dress, HATE the color. Would have been nice in a blue. And girl, fix your hair!! Did you just get out of bed?

Pic of the Day

2011-09-21T15:18:00.002-07:00

The Look

2011-09-21T14:54:00.001-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-20T15:17:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-20T14:54:00.001-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-19T15:17:00.001-07:00

Just for laughs

2011-09-19T15:00:00.001-07:00

Words to live by

2011-09-19T14:57:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-19T14:53:00.001-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-18T15:16:00.001-07:00

Perfect bath

2011-09-18T14:38:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-18T14:27:00.001-07:00

And we did it again! (our official wedding pics)

2011-09-17T15:53:00.001-07:00

Our official wedding was on July 23, 2011 - yes, this was our second wedding!!

It was everything we dreamed of and more...

Getting ready in the morning

The pool with A&M logo

The front gate

The altar

The seating

The groom coming out...

The bride coming out

The ceremony

Putting on the rings

Our people

Mr & Mrs Madhavan

Married hands...now where the heck are his initials?

The Indian fam

Favorite aunties

Favorite uncles

Daddy & I

My BFF Valencia

My BFF Sarah

Father/Daughter dance to The Beatles "In My Life"

First Dance to "Khuda Jaane"

The Dip!!!

Cutting the cake & feeding my husband

Pic of the Day

2011-09-17T15:16:00.002-07:00

Just for laughs

2011-09-17T14:45:00.002-07:00

It really does...

Guest bed

2011-09-17T14:37:00.003-07:00

The Look

2011-09-17T14:27:00.001-07:00

Words to live by

2011-09-16T14:40:00.002-07:00

Living space

2011-09-16T14:36:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-16T14:26:00.001-07:00

Dining room

2011-09-15T14:36:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-15T14:26:00.001-07:00

My BEST OF INDIA - shopping edition

2011-09-14T14:55:00.112-07:00

What to pack

Besides your regular traveling kit, pack baby powder (for the heat), safety pins (for fashion emergencies), antibacterial gel and wipes (there's not always a proper bathroom).

What to buy

Only get things that you can't get back home. Buy Sarees and Salwar kameez, Tunics, Sandals (called "chappals"), both costume jewelry and precious gems (super cheap), Tablecloths, Indian fiction novels (most not available out West). The first thing you should do is go on a shop-a-thon and find a good tailor (my favorite is R.R. Stitchers in Park Lane, Secunderabad). That way you can wear your outfits for the whole trip. The worst mistake Westerners make is to look like an outdated hippie. Get glam!! Have fun and dress like the locals do!

My Favorite Things

Shops:

Kalanikethan Wedding Mall

Check out this place first - it's a one stop shopping treasure! They have jewelry, sarees & salwars at every price point, kid's clothes, men's clothes - you name it! They have all the latest in traditional Indian fashion.

(P.S. Our wedding outfits were purchased from here!)

Cinnamon

A gorgeous boutique filled with modern Indian treasures - home decor, fashion, accessories. A one of a kind gem.

GRT Jewelers

The most gorgeous selection of South Indian style jewelry. Yes, the gold is expensive because they go by the world gold market price. But the diamonds, emeralds and rubies are SO cheap. I've looked at a bunch of jewelers and they are the best by far, in terms of selection and price.

(that's my wedding ring from GRT!)

Kilol

Fabulous prints and fabrics with a modern Jaipur twist. I wear my tunics from here every day. They have a wide range of sizes and they offer stitched & unstitched. They have a tailor on site and they will stitch it for free with your purchase.

(that's me in a Kilol Salwar Kameez set, minus the dupatta scarf)

Good Earth

Colorful modern indian home decor at a great price. Watch out for their tablecloths - to die for!!

Taruni

The best selection of unstitched Salwar Kameez. Tons of colors and fabrics - they make nice gifts for local Indian friends too.

Nalli Silks

The best quality silk sarees with an array of price points and colors. Very helpful staff and great service. I only get my silk sarees from here. (My wedding reception saree was from here)

To be continued - with the BEST OF INDIA beauty, hotels, restaurants, and sightseeing!

Just for laughs

2011-09-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

How 'bout some Shiken?

Urban Rooftop Terrace

2011-09-14T14:35:00.002-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-14T14:31:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-14T14:25:00.001-07:00

Words to live by

2011-09-13T14:39:00.001-07:00

Reading nook

2011-09-13T14:34:00.001-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-13T14:31:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-13T14:24:00.001-07:00

New Ideas about Love

2011-09-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

Forget everything you've been told. Like: Don't be picky; plan dates with your mate to keep love alive; don't even try to change his annoying habits. Wrong, all wrong. These eye-opening and incredibly useful ideas stand conventional wisdom on its head.

It's Good to Be Picky. Very PickySingle women the world over will thank God for these two researchers: In a study of speed daters, Paul W. Eastwick and Eli J. Finkel, PhD, of Northwestern University, found that people who selected a large number of candidates for follow-up meetings were less likely to be picked themselves for another round. People who chose only a few contenders were more successful in getting attention and responses. It turns out that singles who show interest in every partner they encounter may come off not as eager and open but as just plain desperate.

"What's interesting about that is it actually differs from platonic liking," says Finkel. "In nonromantic contexts, if I like everybody, then everybody likes me back. After all, who doesn't like the guy who likes everybody? But in a romantic context, if I say, 'Yeah, she's hot! And she's hot...and she's hot...and that other girl over there is hot, too,' there's now hard statistical evidence that, in general, the women I meet will not find me sexually desirable."

Does this mean that grandmothers who've warned single women not to be too picky have been wrong? "I don't think your grandma meant, 'You have to go on dates with everybody under every circumstance,'" says Finkel. "But in a situation in which there are a bunch of eligible men, like a party, be selective." Finkel warns against interpreting this data as an invitation to sit home or play hard to get: "What you want to do is be easy for one person to get and hard for everyone else, which will increase the likelihood of that one person's liking you."

It's Not the Journey, It's the PreparationWhat people look for in a marriage partner is another topic Finkel has investigated. "Basically they think, The sex is good, we love each other, we're good friends...," he says. "You'd go pretty far down the list before you'd get to 'We get in sync effectively.'" But he's learned that the ability to coordinate day-to-day tasks like shopping for O, The Oprah Magazine is a crucial component of a couple's happiness.

"Married partners are co-managers, and as the marriage progresses, it involves more logistical organization, especially if kids come," he says. "If you're not in sync with your partner, research suggests, you'll find yourself depleted, exhausted, and less effective, and if the problems are serious enough, it's difficult to imagine the relationship continuing to function effectively."

A courtship affords few opportunities to engage in the sort of knotty tactical tasks that fill a marriage. To test a relationship, Finkel suggests that you "throw it into challenge, so that if there's a problem, you can develop a system. Expose it to stressful coordination experiences. Instead of watching TV together or doing something comfortable, take a road trip that requires a lot of collaboration. Put one person in charge of six things, the

other in charge of six other things, and then ask yourselves, 'How well do we do these things?'"

Better to Celebrate than CommiserateA new study has found that the way you respond to your partner's good news may be more important than how you react to his disappointments. Couples who celebrated each other's happy events (like promotions or raises) reported greater satisfaction in their relationship and were less likely to break up than those who offered support only during rough times, says lead study author Shelly L. Gable, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at UC Santa Barbara.

She and her researchers videotaped 79 couples as they talked about negative and positive events in their lives, then categorized the partner's responses in four ways: active-destructive ("Are you sure you can handle that job?"); passive-destructive (silence, changing the subject); passive-constructive (an absentminded "That's nice"); and, the most helpful, active-constructive ("I'm so proud of you" or "I know how important this was to you"). The finding that praise boosted a relationship more than a sympathetic response to bad news surprised Gable—as did the results concerning passive support, like smiling vaguely, saying, "Great," and returning to your newspaper. "We assumed when we started this research that passive support would be good—not as good as active-constructive, but certainly not bad," she says. But time and time again, Gable's team saw that passive responses negatively affected relationship satisfaction.

So when your mate bursts through the door with good news, "make an effort to notice these events and act on them in some way," says Gable. A partner can sense false enthusiasm, so if you're not able to have a genuine reaction, she suggests asking questions about why he's so happy. "This will help him," she says, "because you're giving positive feedback, and it will help you because it gives you insight into what makes him click." She isn't saying couples need to celebrate every event with a five-course dinner; simple and sincere praise is enough. "It's the thought that counts," she says. "Although I'd never turn down a five-course dinner."

It Takes a Strong Woman to Be NeedyYou'd think John Gottman, PhD, who founded the Gottman Institute (otherwise known as the Love Lab) with his wife, Julie, wouldn't make dumb mistakes in his own relationship. But he always remembers the time he harangued his busy wife for neglecting him: "I said, 'You're so emotionally unavailable; everyone else comes first; what is wrong with you?' And I found when I said that, she didn't want to spend time with me." He laughs. "So I learned from the couples we studied to say, 'You know, I'm getting that lonely feeling again. I just need more of you in my day.'" And it worked.

The trick was employing what Gottman calls a soft start-up, which involves telling your partner "what you need and giving them a way to succeed." His team had found that even in happy relationships, partners reciprocate anger with anger, so the easiest way to de-escalate a conflict was not to escalate it in the first place. For instance, instead of saying, "I'm sick to death of cooking dinner, you lazy slob," Gottman suggests telling your spouse, "You know, I'm sick of my own cooking. I think we need to go out to dinner, or have you take charge of dinner for a while."

Many Love Lab participants find it difficult to make themselves that vulnerable. "A lot of people feel shame about having a need," he says. "Our culture tells us that to be needy is to be weak, but it's really a tremendous strength to know what you need and to be able to ask for it." Beginning a conversation with what you need, rather than the more aggressive "You never..." or "You idiot," is a way to complain that's easier for your partner to hear and act on. "You can't listen to somebody if they're attacking you...well, maybe you can if you're the Dalai Lama," Gottman says. "Then again, he's not married."

60 Seconds to a Better RelationshipFor the overworked, overcommitted, and all-around overwhelmed couples, Peter Fraenkel, PhD, has one piece of advice: "Don't try to schedule time together. Schedules are more work. And you don't need any more work."

Instead, Fraenkel, the director of the Center for Time, Work, and the Family at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, in New York City, tells couples to come up with a list of things they can enjoy together that can be done in less than a minute: telling a joke, one long kiss, etc. These 60-second pleasure points, as Fraenkel calls them, don't all have to be face-to-face. He even suggests using the tools that make many individuals feel overextended—a BlackBerry or cell phone—for private matters. Couples are encouraged to send a quick text message or e-mail links to a funny website or a restaurant review (and a note: "Let's do takeout from here tonight?").

He asks clients to each initiate three pleasure points a day. Couples report that this practice not only instills a better sense of connection throughout the week but, as Fraenkel says, "also greatly relieves each partner's concern that they could never find any time for the other." And it lowers the couple's expectations for a vacation—suddenly, they don't look at those two weeks in Bermuda as their only chance to connect but rather as a chance to lengthen those pleasure points, stretching that 60-second kiss into something more.

And Baby Makes...TroubleIn a series of studies over 13 years, John Gottman and his researchers observed couples from the first few months of marriage through the birth of a child. This year he announced that 67 percent of the couples in his studies experienced a drop in relationship happiness in the first three years of a baby's life (and were twice as likely to divorce).

Gottman stresses that it's crucial for couples to tackle major marriage problems before the infant arrives. Couples who did well became a team early on, he says. The successful men were easy to spot: They helped with housework and loved the way their pregnant wives looked (whereas supposedly funny comments like "She's a whale" were a warning sign). In his new book, And Baby Makes Three (cowritten with his wife, Julie), Gottman teaches couples ways to improve their teamwork.

Renowned child development expert T. Berry Brazelton, MD, is familiar with times when a child's behavior stresses her parents' relationship—usually when she is moving from one developmental stage to another. When parents prepare for these phases, he says they do better together. He also says that children naturally register their parents' reactions—for instance, Dad doesn't freak when I crawl to the stairs; Mom does—and when those responses contradict each other, children act out. Most parents, though, don't realize that this conflict can start as early as nine months. Like Gottman, Brazelton encourages couples to find a workable, united parenting style early on.
Coming Soon: A Divorce VaccineMarriage researcher James V. Córdova, PhD, has become haunted by a disheartening statistic: Fifty percent of couples who finish marital therapy get better (and stay better), but the other half either do not improve or relapse. "It's better than nothing, but not as good as we could be doing," says Córdova, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts. The problem, he recognized, is that couples usually see a counselor when the relationship is already breaking down.

"We take care of our physical health by going in for checkups," he says. "The point is not to wait until you get sick but to keep you well." His team created the Marriage Checkup, a program he has tested twice before that's now part of a third major study being conducted over the next four years. The program starts with an hour-long series of questionnaires that rate satisfaction levels on fraught topics like sex and parenting.

"We give the couples feedback, the way a doctor would from a blood test or an X-ray," Córdova says. His early studies have shown that the majority of couples have reported a significant uptick in relationship satisfaction as well as higher intimacy levels. He hopes to devise a program that can be replicated across the country, using local therapists to give the tests and feedback. In the meantime, he recommends that couples ask themselves three questions every year: Does my partner feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with me? Does my partner feel accepted? When I feel that life is yanking the rug out from under me, can I go to my partner for nonjudgmental support? Answering no to even one can signal a fraying relationship. Córdova also tells couples to avoid one very toxic behavior: withdrawal. "It's the equivalent of bingeing on Twinkies," he says. "Talk—even confused, lost, sometimes frustrating talk—is always better."

You Can Change Your SpouseFor more than 15 years, Richard A. Mackey, professor emeritus at Boston College's graduate school of social work, studied heterosexual couples who have been married more than 20 years but have never seen a couples therapist. He found that the long-marrieds instinctively learned not to insist their partner make big behavioral changes. They asked for tiny modifications. (For instance, instead of saying, "Can't you stop being such a slob?" or "Will you ever learn to pick up after yourself?" they ask, "Can you put your clothes in the hamper?")

But what surprised him—and gives hope to anyone stuck in a small house with an unrepentant slob, control freak, pack rat, Star Wars figurine collector—is that over two decades of asking each other for small alterations, many spouses had nudged their partners into making significant changes without alienating them. This technique was particularly effective, Mackey says, when used on men.

(via)

Grand staircase

2011-09-12T14:34:00.002-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-12T14:30:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-12T14:24:00.001-07:00

Just for laughs

2011-09-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

So true!!

Living room

2011-09-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-11T14:29:00.001-07:00

The Look

2011-09-11T14:23:00.001-07:00

Worst Jobs in World History

2011-09-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

Be thankful for your job because...

I think the Leech gatherer has to be the worst - yuck!

quote of the day

2011-09-10T14:39:00.002-07:00

Hall

2011-09-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

Pic of the Day

2011-09-10T14:29:00.002-07:00